As a personal growth and development writer, I cannot for the life of me figure out why it feels uncomfortable to get these thoughts on to paper. Or cyberspace if you will. 🙂 It’s been awhile since I published my last essay.
But something has pushed me today to do so. So I am going to just go with it.
A thought came to me this morning as I was lying in bed contemplating my last days of Summer break from my day job. I’ll admit there is a certain level of dread that looms over me about it. There is a certain level of misfit-ism and alienation that has a hold of me since I decided awhile back to dive into a completely whole new world of healing work and purpose. There is a great level of sadness that comes over me when I think that change many times means… loss…
Have you ever felt that you just don’t belong? That all the things that you did, people you knew and were close with, the behaviors and words you spoke just don’t resonate with you anymore?
I’ve been there… I’m there.

You feel this overwhelming sense that you know that life is going to change, yet you don’t want it to because the of comfort that you feel, and everything is just FINE the way it is?
Especially at a time when you didn’t think things could get any better and you’re on top of the world.. Yeah- Dreams finally coming true. Everything in its place.

Then life just fucking happens. And that series of ‘life’ just fucking continues to happen and you are forced to make radical changes.

Without getting ALL into the details of my life and further boring you, and my readers.. I’m finding as I am typing this that even in the face of loss, disappointment, frustration, tears, pain, demotions, funerals, financial loss, heartache, grief, anger, apathy, resentment, and more… in some strange way; there are lights that appear…
Those lights first come from within. Meaning; when I look for the brighter spots within myself first that life changes begin to at least let you breathe. Looking deep within, I search long and hard for what makes me tick. What I know deep down makes us as people worthy, even though people have told you and tried to make you feel that you are not.
That even though you heartbreakingly lose some of the most important people in your life to death, (in my case all at once) that SOMEHOW you still matter and the heartache won’t kill you too. If you search long and hard as to why… you are still here.
That as life changes and your life purpose nudges you, drops hints in your lap, and your passions are dying to break down your door and give your life more meaning. You search long and hard as to why this begins to matter…
In your darkest hours and days, you look at your life as what you “think” is a dark blob of nothing, you squeeze out that LIGHT. Those seemingly small bright sparkles of hope and pure love in that muck that are within you and you KNOW they are. You fight with ALL YOUR MIGHT to squeeze out those parts of you and your life that make differences in other people’s lives and yours.
It’s amazing what will come of this search. This effort to help yourself understand that you matter. And suddenly you feel your feet are touching the ground again, as you get up out of your bed and swing your legs to the side.
You begin to understand that even though you are not 27 anymore and are not surrounded by the same amount of people; that the ones that ARE AROUND you matter. They are part of those bursts of hope and light that you have been struggling to birth out of you. As you realize, they have played a part in your saving.
Here I thought I had been abandoned. But no. Not true. I may not have 100 friends and family that stroke my ego any more. But I realize that I have a few, a very important few that help give my life purpose and help me feel like I belong again and make this transition in my life a lot more like smoothing out the rough edges.
As I squeeze myself a little more each time, and look for hope, I see that I’m not alone in my journey. And at this scary, uncomfortable stage and transition in my life, if that’s all it takes right now, I’m in.
Sure, life isn’t at this VERY moment all sunshine and hearts floating in the sky, but at least I see much more light at the end of THIS tunnel. With a little squeezing maybe the next tunnel, (journey) won’t be as long or nearly as dark… Thank you, if you are around me..
Lots of Love.. Here’s a little squeeze from me. <3